Putting myself out there....again

Sometimes, I think I am a glutton for punishment, maybe sometimes I deserve it, mostly though I don't.  I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me.

To preface this post, I am going to give you a very brief background about my childhood and why it affects me today and why I seem to disappear, then reappear, and yes, even make bad decisions.

The first time I remember my mother beating me was when I was 3.  I said something wrong is all I remember.  She beat me with a wooden spoon until it broke, then she beat me some more.  I was in a bathroom.  That is all I remember about that time.

It was the start (in my mind) of a long 10-12 years of being physically abused often, but mental abused daily.  I was lucky in that belts, spatulas, spoons, etc were her only choices and I did not endure some of the horrors people make movies and write books about.  I just had welps and scabs - usually in places no one could see.  Once I was old enough to go to PE at school, she kept it on my back so a shirt could always cover it.

Usually I was beaten when she was in a bad mood, not really when I did something wrong, so it kind of messed me up a bit.  That and the constant name calling, degrading, gas lighting.  My mother, was and is a very sick person.

Fortunately for me, I had a wonderful grandmother that I escaped to and through her I learned how a parental figure should act and what love really was, so I don't have problems with forming long term relationships (been married 17+ years).  However, I have difficulty forming those superficial friendships, so I have very few friends - like 2, maybe.

Besides all that, we were poor, like living with a dirt floor poor.  Not my whole childhood, but enough that I remember it.

I am SO NOT looking for sympathy, just asking, please, that you refrain from attacking me.  My instinct is to flee big time.  I am not a fighter.  So, even though I am going to talk about our finances again, I don't want anyone telling me my kids will hate me, how stupid we are, etc.  Our actions may be stupid, but we are not.  We may make decisions you would not, but name calling is not called for.  I don't do it, as I know first hand how it feels.

Yes, I may be too sensitive, but I cannot help it.  Yes, I have gone to therapists, counseling both individual and in a group.  I did not carry on this abuse cycle - I do not abuse my kids in any way.  I am prone to depression and struggle with self-image, but my daughter does not, nor do my boys.  A wonderful gift I was able to give them!

So, in a nutshell - that is why I am over sensitive, make bad decisions sometimes, back off, come back, etc, etc.  Also, it is why I am asking you to be sensitive in your responses.

Now, on to the juicy part.

We are back in debt.

Sigh.

Wow - that took a lot of courage for me.  I have been sitting on this for several months.

Over the summer, we made 4 big purchases that are the ONLY reasons for our debt and yes, we are back on pay off mode.

1) A truck to pull our travel trailer - $29,999
2) A travel trailer to pull behind the truck - $22,000
3) A Babylock 1-needle Embroidery Machine - $6,000
4) A Babylock 10-needle Embroidery Machine - $8,500

I am guessing a little at what we bought them each for - I am not looking it up right now, but I do know our currently balances. 

Ok, current balances -

Truck loan - $27,790
Travel Trailer - $19,168
Machines - $7,705
Total - $54,663

My business is paying the machine off slowly, but personally we will pay them much faster.  They have taken my business to the next level and I am shipping to all over the country now through my website.  Mainly, embroidery items.  The quilts are still 100% local.

At this point, we have taken 6 trips in the travel trailer - one to New Mexico, which was LOVELY!

That is all for now.  I will post later about what we are doing (we made tough decisions), where the rest of the money is going, etc, etc.

That actually feels better - it was like I was holding on to a dark secret or something!