Putting myself out there....again

Sometimes, I think I am a glutton for punishment, maybe sometimes I deserve it, mostly though I don't.  I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me.

To preface this post, I am going to give you a very brief background about my childhood and why it affects me today and why I seem to disappear, then reappear, and yes, even make bad decisions.

The first time I remember my mother beating me was when I was 3.  I said something wrong is all I remember.  She beat me with a wooden spoon until it broke, then she beat me some more.  I was in a bathroom.  That is all I remember about that time.

It was the start (in my mind) of a long 10-12 years of being physically abused often, but mental abused daily.  I was lucky in that belts, spatulas, spoons, etc were her only choices and I did not endure some of the horrors people make movies and write books about.  I just had welps and scabs - usually in places no one could see.  Once I was old enough to go to PE at school, she kept it on my back so a shirt could always cover it.

Usually I was beaten when she was in a bad mood, not really when I did something wrong, so it kind of messed me up a bit.  That and the constant name calling, degrading, gas lighting.  My mother, was and is a very sick person.

Fortunately for me, I had a wonderful grandmother that I escaped to and through her I learned how a parental figure should act and what love really was, so I don't have problems with forming long term relationships (been married 17+ years).  However, I have difficulty forming those superficial friendships, so I have very few friends - like 2, maybe.

Besides all that, we were poor, like living with a dirt floor poor.  Not my whole childhood, but enough that I remember it.

I am SO NOT looking for sympathy, just asking, please, that you refrain from attacking me.  My instinct is to flee big time.  I am not a fighter.  So, even though I am going to talk about our finances again, I don't want anyone telling me my kids will hate me, how stupid we are, etc.  Our actions may be stupid, but we are not.  We may make decisions you would not, but name calling is not called for.  I don't do it, as I know first hand how it feels.

Yes, I may be too sensitive, but I cannot help it.  Yes, I have gone to therapists, counseling both individual and in a group.  I did not carry on this abuse cycle - I do not abuse my kids in any way.  I am prone to depression and struggle with self-image, but my daughter does not, nor do my boys.  A wonderful gift I was able to give them!

So, in a nutshell - that is why I am over sensitive, make bad decisions sometimes, back off, come back, etc, etc.  Also, it is why I am asking you to be sensitive in your responses.

Now, on to the juicy part.

We are back in debt.

Sigh.

Wow - that took a lot of courage for me.  I have been sitting on this for several months.

Over the summer, we made 4 big purchases that are the ONLY reasons for our debt and yes, we are back on pay off mode.

1) A truck to pull our travel trailer - $29,999
2) A travel trailer to pull behind the truck - $22,000
3) A Babylock 1-needle Embroidery Machine - $6,000
4) A Babylock 10-needle Embroidery Machine - $8,500

I am guessing a little at what we bought them each for - I am not looking it up right now, but I do know our currently balances. 

Ok, current balances -

Truck loan - $27,790
Travel Trailer - $19,168
Machines - $7,705
Total - $54,663

My business is paying the machine off slowly, but personally we will pay them much faster.  They have taken my business to the next level and I am shipping to all over the country now through my website.  Mainly, embroidery items.  The quilts are still 100% local.

At this point, we have taken 6 trips in the travel trailer - one to New Mexico, which was LOVELY!

That is all for now.  I will post later about what we are doing (we made tough decisions), where the rest of the money is going, etc, etc.

That actually feels better - it was like I was holding on to a dark secret or something!

Solving a homeschool/work problem?

When we decided to homeschool this time, my business was still in the slow stages.  I got a little work here and there, I was still sewing for pleasure.  It was doable with homeschool in a BIG way.

However, I did a small show in February highlighting my tshirt quilts at a drill team competition.  It has turned out to be a GREAT event for business.  I have gotten 6 orders from direct customers AND 6-9 (can't remember off the top of my head) from them telling friends.

Then in the summer, I sent my info to the scout leaders in the area telling them about my ability to sew patches on uniforms.  Woo boy - that was an amazing marketing strategy.  I may be getting a contract with a local shop to do all the pre-orders.

Also, I ran a few Facebook ads from late August to just about a month ago - maybe 6 ad runs.  It brought likes for my page up from 150 to over 500.  Now, this brought in more than I could have ever imagined.  The $100 or so I spent on all the ads looks small comparatively to what I brought in. 

Besides that, I added 2 embroidery machines to the mix. 

Needless to say - I am slammed beyond measure and really could use a part-time employee (maybe 10-15 hours a week).  I am trying to train my daughter, but she is not really interested.

What does this have to do with homeschool?  Well, it is seriously difficult to homeschool while customers are knocking on the door, calling, texting, emailing, etc. 

The kids are old enough that most of their work is self directed, but I do like to check their math as they go, explain the writing, talk about the history, etc.  However, this means I may have 15 minutes while they are working, then 1 has a question, then 5 minutes and another has a question, then one is ready for the test, or ready to talk about the writing the assignment, then I may get 30 minutes, but then it is time for math (for the 1st), then another 20 minutes, and it is time for math for the other.  It goes on like this until about 2 in the afternoon. While getting up and going in the morning, I am starting to get wind down for the day when really, it is time for me to just start my job!

So, since something has to give, it is the homeschooling aspect.  We found a really neat school that is part private/part homeschool.  For two days they go to private school and then for two days, they homeschool.  They get one day per week for their extra curriculars.  I would not have to plan, grade or facilitate any curriculum - I am just there on the homeschool days to answer questions and make sure they finish.  Which, my kiddos do fine already. 

This means 2 days a week, I can work without interruption.  2 days I can work a little more than I am doing now, and 1 day will be up in the air, because I do not know what their extra curriculars will be like.

This system helps me keep the homeschool part I love, while getting rid of the administrative portion (which is huge!)

The cost is less than 1/2 of a private school, but they get the benefits of it.  It is a classical private school, so they will learn Latin, Rhetoric and most classes are taught in with the Socratic method - which I LOVE.

We have to go through the admissions process still, but I have a really good feeling about it!

Leaving Texas?

 Sorry, title change - the content did not reflect the previous one of Getting into the Flow...

The past couple of months have been very difficult for me.  Starting a new aspect of my work, starting homeschooling up, a show, a trip, a learning curve that is through the roof.

My to-do list gets longer everyday and though I am running to keep up, it just seemed to be getting away from me.  I already cut out non-essentials.  I hardly ever see friends - literally, they are not calling any more at all.  I work around 16 hours a day, every single day.  I have not been out on a date with my husband since who knows when.   Our dates consist of running errands.  I am not reading, cleaning, cooking, working out or anything.

If it does not involve my work or homeschool, it does not get done.

Sigh.  No life at all.

However, I just closed accepting anymore quilts until every single one I have is complete.  I already have a waiting list.  To me, this is insane.  People are willing to wait 6+ months for one of my quilts.  Yes, I have raised the prices.

We just got back from our trip to New Mexico.  Sigh.  I seriously did not want to return to the hotter than hell and humid as hell place we live.  Darrell got sick immediately upon returning and my lethargy hit me again.  My eye is twitching and the bad sleeping returned.  I did not want to drink once while we were on the trip!

Yes, work play into this, but the fact is, we hate this city.  We want to leave, but work keeps us here.  We are currently brainstorming ideas on moving out of Texas, but I never know where life will leave us.

As for homeschool, this morning was the best yet!  We have been struggling to make it work, but getting up 1/2 hour earlier and doing math first thing makes for a very lovely day.  All done before lunch!

Now off to take Laney to sign language class and a run to Joanns for me.  I need thread in a BIG way!