I am joining Carla, simply from a lack of what to write about. It is the summer doldrums for sure.
1. Today, I need to finish the top of a T-shirt Quilt I am working on. This is one of two for a customer - the other one is ready to be sandwiched, so it would be nice to get these both done at the same time. The customer is picking up next Saturday, so I need to get moving on this. Overall - this is two out of eight quilts that are on order right now.
2. Whole House Generator. We put in a generator this week. It was an expense, but the peace of mind is tremendous! I never knew! We live kind of out in the middle of nowhere and we have our own transformer. If our transformer blows in a major storm - aka hurricane, we are the last people on the list. Electric companies repair the lines with the gas stations and grocery stores first, then the most people. The individuals will be last. We have 2 freezers and a fridge freezer, but beyond that, we cannot run water or toilets without electricity. Everything is on a pump. Hopefully, we won't have to use it, but I have lived through 3 hurricanes and lost power every time.
Something new we learned, it is actually a law here that if a generator is installed, it has to feed the total amount of electricity that feeds the house. You cannot break it up unless you split the breaker box. Of course, it is up to us how much we use it when the electricity goes out. It will run on our propane and the tank we have can run the full amount of electricity for about 4 days. We can run it longer, obviously, if we cut down on the usage. So, limited air conditioning, limited plug ins, etc. The main thing is the freezers, the pumps for water and sewage, charging cell phones and lights to see at night. Of course, if it is hot, we will run the air conditioning, but MUCH less.
3. The Saharan Desert is sending dust and sand our way. Allergies will be a high. There will be a haziness to our area and we were told to stay inside if possible. Although the sunsets are supposed to be tremendous. So, I guess we are not working on the yard this weekend - we will see though.
4. This is how boring we are right now - I cannot think of even 5 things to say! LOL Oh, My son did well on his first month with a retainer. Only 2 more appointments and then no more orthodontist! YEAH!! A trip there every single month for over 2 years. I am not sure what I am going to do with myself now.
5. Just now, a red bird was knocking on my window - I looked it up - it is a summer tanager - part of the cardinal family. I don't doubt it. Everyone thinks cardinals are so beautiful and lovely, but they are the biggest pain in the ass! They knock on our windows all day and hard too! They are known to break windows! We put these metal little bug sculptures (dollar store) in the windows and it helped at first, but not now. They really are the the dumbest birds. Supposedly, they are attacking another male that is encroaching on their territory. They see a reflection of themselves. Dumb birds!
Ok, I finally figured it out a few things to tell you! I am off to the races! Have a great day!
one husband......four kids......debt......sewing...... saving......cooking......yoga......sweet......chaos......life......
Friday, June 29, 2018
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Rainy days
We all move a little slower on rainy days.
Even though I didn't sleep in much - I have not started yet, enjoying that next cup of coffee! And I think by posting today (when there is not much to say) I am avoiding getting started! LOL
Business
Even though I didn't sleep in much - I have not started yet, enjoying that next cup of coffee! And I think by posting today (when there is not much to say) I am avoiding getting started! LOL
Business
- 7 quilt orders are in house! For the most part, they are small though - 20 Tshirts or less, so they should go pretty quickly. I have the fabric for the backing and borders ordered and Joann's is having a buy one get one for thread starting tomorrow.
- I have decided to keep the business open, but not tell anyone. I am going to let it go until we get a little more settled. I will sew when I want, get on top of my health, get the kids settled, etc.
- In saying that, I am dying to make some of these bags I have patterns for - I am IN LOVE with all these bags!
- We have officially stopped for the summer. I wanted to give them a break and I needed it as well. Theater was crazy and is not over just yet, plus we have well check visits and camps in July as well as driving school for the whole of August.
- We have made the decision on how we are going forward with homeschool. They will be going to public school. -L will be going into the 10th grade - she is too smart for words, and -K will be going into the 9th. 4 more years and we are done. We will probably still talk about the logic during dinner or something - I think it is important for them and they will not get it in high school. I won't take a grade.
- Yard work, Yard work, Yard work. We spread out those crushed concrete piles to make the parking space/drive area. It still needs some work to level it, but the rains came and the attachment piece for the lawn mower that will help with that has not come in yet. It is looking better and better.
- Really, that is it - it is all about the yard and since we have nothing but rain this week, not much is going on. Hopefully, it will clear up this weekend and we can get some stuff done. The soft ground might make it easier to pick up those rocks!
- I am currently working through 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I read it years ago and it worked wonders for me in business. I am looking to transfer it to my personal life a bit. I think the stress of the past couple of years have made me retreat to a more emotional self than I would like to be.
- I am making sure I refill my water cup during the day. I have a problem with getting dehydrated while working (causing dry eyes), so I am actively working on getting myself more water throughout the day.
- I am not wearing myself out in one day. It is definitely better this slower pace. I can blog, I can answer emails, do a little maintenance cleaning daily, read a bit and get some work done. I just need to add exercise and this balance will be a good one!
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Our Yard
This is a picture of our driveway from the road. What I had hoped to catch was all the rocks that were left by the builder all along the sides of this driveway. I have hated it from the beginning. Since we have gotten a notice from the HOA, I thought I was going to have to hire someone to deal with all of this, but since talking with neighbors, we decided to tackle it ourselves, but make a commitment to do so.
So, the kids and I will start removing the rocks and dumping them to shore up the gravel drive to the shed. It is not bad, but it will reinforce some thinner areas and make a little curve area for easier backing up.
Along the driveway on both sides, we are taking out some of the brush - about 10 to 15ft on each side - leveling it out, laying sod and planting Natchez Crepe Myrtles to line the drive. This all will take some time, but I think as long as we are actively working on it - the HOA will leave us alone.
This picture is from where the driveway starts to curve toward the house. The left catches a tiny bit of the gravel drive to the shed and the right is another area that we are creating a gravel drive for parking and backing up.
The area between the house and shed currently has 3 Natchez Crepe Myrtles and a Lemon Tree. It will be sodded, but we are working on the dry creek beds. All LOT of water comes off the house, shed and front of the property, so we had to deal with that. We did not want a rain fall to wash out the yard over and over, nor did we want standing water, so we made a rather long dry creek bed that will ultimately end up in a small pond, but right now, it is just going to the back of the property.
Here is a closer view of the dry creek beds. Both come together in from of the fence. Our plan is to line them with rocks. After we get the driveway done, this is what we will focus on. It will take time laying out the rocks because they have to be laid one by one pretty much.
Our flower beds have hibiscus, bottle brushes, mexican grass and one other kind I always forget the name of. It is a light green bushy type. Eventually, we will also put a fire pit and seating in this area - so some grass, but not too much.
This is the side of the driveway that is getting graveled as well. They dumped the crushed concrete on Friday. College Boy and my youngest got out there on Saturday and got one pile spread out. It is rainy today, so the pile by the basketball goal is still there. It looks so much better though - clean up the area tremendously!
Now that Theater is over, our weekends are back, so hopefully we can actually get some work done!
Friday, June 15, 2018
Theater Week is always crazy
It seems like the tech week of theater is always so hectic! Coming from an extremely organized person - there is no reason for it, but since I am in not charge (and do not want to be) and I am along for the ride!
The beginning was fine - drop her off, pick her up.
Then Tuesday hit, 30 minutes late letting them out.
Wednesday, 1.5 hours late letting them out - which meant us waiting in a parked car until almost 11 p.m. at which point, they told us - "oh, yeah - we know tomorrow is opening day, but they need these special shoes, shorts and tank. Plus period hair and make-up AND be have all that and be here 1 hour earlier."
Which meant, I was up watching you tube videos to learn how to do hair from the 1910-1920s. Did I tell you we have sucky internet! So, a 15 minute video takes 40 minutes. Yeah, fun.
On top of that, I had a customer coming Thursday morning and it was our planned day to go see the play!
We got the stuff (4 hours to find!), 2 hours for hair because I seriously cannot hair - I can only do a ponytail, no time for lunch, she was late getting there because it is 1 hour away and we had to drive into town to get the things, then back home for her to get ready, then back to the theater.
The play was great though! Much Ado About Nothing set in the 1910's. The teens were cute. They did the full play, but are shorting it to 30 minutes for a Shakepeare festival this summer.
You can tell we are not really theater people. However, we are trying to suck it up for our daughter. This is her last play with them, since she is going to public school next year, she will do theater with them. MUCH closer, MUCH easier, MUCH more organized.
This current school is really a mess. It is hurting them. I was not the only upset parent - LOTS of talk going on about it last night.
Today, we are dropping her off and picking her up. I will do her hair, but now that I know how it is going, it will be easier.
We are having crushed concrete and dirt dropped off today to making a little parking area/turn around area off the driveway. A customer is coming and the gas company is coming to give us an estimate for a generator. We are also meeting friends for dinner. Poor DH has only been home to sleep this week.
Well, I am off to the races - I hear the load of dirt coming up the drive!
The beginning was fine - drop her off, pick her up.
Then Tuesday hit, 30 minutes late letting them out.
Wednesday, 1.5 hours late letting them out - which meant us waiting in a parked car until almost 11 p.m. at which point, they told us - "oh, yeah - we know tomorrow is opening day, but they need these special shoes, shorts and tank. Plus period hair and make-up AND be have all that and be here 1 hour earlier."
Which meant, I was up watching you tube videos to learn how to do hair from the 1910-1920s. Did I tell you we have sucky internet! So, a 15 minute video takes 40 minutes. Yeah, fun.
On top of that, I had a customer coming Thursday morning and it was our planned day to go see the play!
We got the stuff (4 hours to find!), 2 hours for hair because I seriously cannot hair - I can only do a ponytail, no time for lunch, she was late getting there because it is 1 hour away and we had to drive into town to get the things, then back home for her to get ready, then back to the theater.
The play was great though! Much Ado About Nothing set in the 1910's. The teens were cute. They did the full play, but are shorting it to 30 minutes for a Shakepeare festival this summer.
You can tell we are not really theater people. However, we are trying to suck it up for our daughter. This is her last play with them, since she is going to public school next year, she will do theater with them. MUCH closer, MUCH easier, MUCH more organized.
This current school is really a mess. It is hurting them. I was not the only upset parent - LOTS of talk going on about it last night.
Today, we are dropping her off and picking her up. I will do her hair, but now that I know how it is going, it will be easier.
We are having crushed concrete and dirt dropped off today to making a little parking area/turn around area off the driveway. A customer is coming and the gas company is coming to give us an estimate for a generator. We are also meeting friends for dinner. Poor DH has only been home to sleep this week.
Well, I am off to the races - I hear the load of dirt coming up the drive!
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Always waiting for the shoe to drop
I watched a Ted Talk while eating lunch today. I try to watch or read something about 15 minutes long when I eat. This one was living with high functioning anxiety - which is where I feel I am right now. I am securely in peri-menopause and I have spared the hot flashes, but the anxiety and exhaustion is absolutely killing me!
I am almost frozen right now not able to get anything started because usually as soon as I get going, something comes up. For example, I set up the iron and start ironing interfacing, when my daughter runs in and says theater has called rehearsals early and we are an hour away. By the time I get back, dinner has to be made, then she has to be picked up, by the time I get back, the kitchen has to be cleaned and I am exhausted.
Things like this happen almost every single day.
It is life, I know. I think it is so bad now because of how far out we live from everything. The closest grocery store is 20 minutes, but it is a small town store and expensive. The closest Kroger is 45 minutes. So, just to grocery shop, you are looking at 1.5 hours just on the drive to and from.
If I have to go to Joann for sewing supplies - it is longer! 2 hours drive time. That takes up 1/2 a day almost. Then add food prep and time talking to the kids, basic chores that leaves zero time for working.
Sigh.
This house is also high maintenance. As much as we love it, we are already talking about it not being our forever home. We got a notice from the HOA today that our yard needs to be maintained. 2.5 acres worth. Good Lord.
We are working on a dry creek bed, but there is so much brush and so much outside work to be done. Our son is working on it on his days off, but the heat is just getting too much - 98F by 2 p.m.
I am sort of wanting to hire someone to come in and cut back the brush, prep the land and lay the sod, so it can get done and we are more on maintenance, than creating.
I think all the quilts I have to do SHOULD cover the small area we actually need to work on. Since I told everyone I would only take quilts until August, they are pouring in - I am up to 10. They are easy really, but time consuming. We will see how it goes.
Give me about 4 days and I will be back to normal. This cycle has been a bad one - I am 10 days late (but started FINALLY) - so the hormones are raging. My progesterone is dropping, so the estrogen will start dropping soon. I figure I am 4-5 years from menopause. It cannot come soon enough for me!
I am almost frozen right now not able to get anything started because usually as soon as I get going, something comes up. For example, I set up the iron and start ironing interfacing, when my daughter runs in and says theater has called rehearsals early and we are an hour away. By the time I get back, dinner has to be made, then she has to be picked up, by the time I get back, the kitchen has to be cleaned and I am exhausted.
Things like this happen almost every single day.
It is life, I know. I think it is so bad now because of how far out we live from everything. The closest grocery store is 20 minutes, but it is a small town store and expensive. The closest Kroger is 45 minutes. So, just to grocery shop, you are looking at 1.5 hours just on the drive to and from.
If I have to go to Joann for sewing supplies - it is longer! 2 hours drive time. That takes up 1/2 a day almost. Then add food prep and time talking to the kids, basic chores that leaves zero time for working.
Sigh.
This house is also high maintenance. As much as we love it, we are already talking about it not being our forever home. We got a notice from the HOA today that our yard needs to be maintained. 2.5 acres worth. Good Lord.
We are working on a dry creek bed, but there is so much brush and so much outside work to be done. Our son is working on it on his days off, but the heat is just getting too much - 98F by 2 p.m.
I am sort of wanting to hire someone to come in and cut back the brush, prep the land and lay the sod, so it can get done and we are more on maintenance, than creating.
I think all the quilts I have to do SHOULD cover the small area we actually need to work on. Since I told everyone I would only take quilts until August, they are pouring in - I am up to 10. They are easy really, but time consuming. We will see how it goes.
Give me about 4 days and I will be back to normal. This cycle has been a bad one - I am 10 days late (but started FINALLY) - so the hormones are raging. My progesterone is dropping, so the estrogen will start dropping soon. I figure I am 4-5 years from menopause. It cannot come soon enough for me!
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
180 degree turn - long post
I have time today.
I will have time most days from now on, if I can help it.
This past weekend was a whirlwind. I was still a little sick and found out on Friday that I had a date wrong with one of my customers. I was thinking her 2 quilts and 4 pillows were due on June 14th, but it was actually July 14th. Whew! I took the weekend off and just rested.
Sort of.
Since deciding to take the business to a different level, we met with 2 website designers. We discussed how it would look, where the ecommerce tools would come from, MailChimp for abandoned carts and some marketing, themes, blogs, etc, etc. All this fun stuff costs money, but you have to spend some when you start a legitimate business right?
After the meetings, I rested a bit, DH picked up around the house, we actually got in the hot tub because I thought I needed a soak - I was freezing to death. We talked about where the business was going, how we could use it to work together, what roles DH would play, what I could do. Really future forward things like we used to do when we were younger with young children and got away for the weekend.
Yes, when the kids were young, my sister would keep them, and we would rent a cabin with a hot tub in the foothills of Texas and dream about our home we would build, how our lives would look in 10 years, 20 years, etc. We were very young (still are 20 years later) and deeply in love (still are 20 years later) and our whole lives were ahead of us.
We had not talked like that in a very long time. The kids' schedules prevent us from getting away and the occasional dinner every now does not give us the chance to get into those really deep conversations.
Usually, we have to get away to reach that point, but for some reason, my meds, the hot tub, the slow weekend, it all added up and we talked.
We were positive and excited about this new adventure - DH was calculating the amount of time it would take to pay off the house so he could quit, it was fabulous!
Do any of you have nightime epiphanies?
The kind that keep you up and change your whole outlook? The ones where see the future so clearly and so wholly, that it somewhat frightens you and causes this type of anxiety that is all encompassing and confusing and affects the whole next day?
I saw the stress. I saw me having major health problems. I saw a distant husband. I saw the tiredness and the overbearing feeling of being tied down. I saw being alone while my husband traveled since my work kept me in one place. I saw a constant feeling of having to perform and not getting time off.
None of these are great for this mostly introverted 40 something who internalizes and doesn't allow anyone to take her picture.
So Sunday morning came slowly. The night was long. I spent most of it in front of the computer, then the other part listening to DH breath and rest so comfortably which in itself caused more anxiety that I could not sleep and the confusion of what to do settled directly in my chest.
I could not verbalize my feelings on Sunday which made a difficult and uncomfortable day with us walking on egg shells and avoiding eye contact. It is not a fun dance we play from time to time, but it is almost needed by me to make clear my thoughts and him to prepare for the blow. I mean after all, we have been talking about this for a year or more, recently putting money and time into it - his eyes sparkled at the thought of it. ( I will add here, there was also a very personal issue at play here - one I cannot talk about as it is just between my husband and me, but also caused great distressed on top of this issue.)
I worked a bit to avoid talking, but the cutting and ironing only left more time for thinking and that is not the best thing when emotions are are running wild and tears keep falling, causing more nasal discharge on top of the sickness. It was ugly, not pretty or elegant in any way. DH left me alone for which I will be eternally grateful.
Sunday night was no better - more futuristic visions of complications and another sleepless night - staring at the smoke detector light wishing it would go out and leave darkness so sleep could overcome my tired self. It didn't and I didn't.
Monday came. Cleaners were coming and a house had to get ready. Kids needed to get up and life needed to happen. Funny thing that life - it keeps moving even when you want it stop and wait - wait for your mind to catch up and get settled. It doesn't though - you have to force your mind to move forward. Mine went to closing the business.
So, I did.
DH freaked out! I had no idea he was THAT much into it. He took it as I was taking away our future and that meant I wanted out. WHAT?!?!?!?! I was tired, I feel the most immense amount of pressure to perform, to succeed, to "Make it Happen"...
I cried, he cried.
We drove around because I did not want the cleaners OR the kids to see us quite like this - this was a very private moment for us and the outside world was not invited. In a way, I think this was a long time coming. A culmination of the last couple of years and so much change, and a lack of intimacy and time for ourselves to rest and get deep. I hate when we go through these times, but in general, we don't fight, we don't bicker, we rarely disagree. There is understanding, support and acceptance in a very quiet and loving manner. However, we are 2 very distinct and different people and I think these inklings build up and explode sometimes in these emotional and very dramatic moments.
He raises his voice - not a yell, but one of frustration and I get so quiet - so quiet he cannot hear me and has to ask me to repeat it which is hard because it took all I had to say it to begin with. Funny, because when the kids were young and I told them to sit down, even adults that were around us sat down - I have a very loud and authoritative voice, but I was so soft then. So soft.
This broke me guys - this decision, the hurt. He thought I wanted to leave him, which was ludicrous in my mind, but this is what happens when so much death and change washes over you and the intimacy is lost. This is how you find it.
I needed to be with them - my family. There was so much separation with the business, the build, we got away from who we are as a family, a couple with dreams, and individuals who are begrudgingly aging.
I need to look after myself. Something I have never done and was never allowed to do (in my mind?), and something that I need to do. I need to rest - they kind of rest that is deep and healing, the kind that I don't wake up with a start every day thinking I am late or have forgotten something. Yes, I have done that for at least 2 years. I am living in an adrenaline vacuum. Fight or Flight. There is no reason for it!
My wanting to close the business - which, by the way - is a very slow process - like almost a year slow. I have to fulfill current orders and give people a little time to order for the quilts. I decided August is the time I will stop accepting any orders - seems appropriate - it is when the kids go back to school and basically it is a change of seasons. In more than one way.
Then starts the selling of inventory, then business supplies - vinyl, fabrics, snaps, cork, patterns, etc. Then, equipment and furniture.
Did DH accept this? He did. Not at first, it took convincing that this was not an attack on our relationship or our family, but a focus on our relationship and our family and on myself. I want to travel with him. I want to be healthier because I want to hike the Grand Canyon and Zion. I want to be able to walk and walk and walk and walk and walk.
We are still soft with each other - I still get teary - there were some strong hurts, but we are actually better now. There were some things said that had been held for a long time - like he is scared about my heart. I have a hole in my aortic valve. About how I could stroke out. These things are real and difficult and we have growing pains like most couples who stay together.
Now, I want you all to know - I do not feel that we were in any way, shape or form close to a break up. I think his mind was full of emotions and doubts and in the heat of the moment went there. It is not a normal thing for us, which is why this was so difficult and uncomfortable and painful and weird.
I think a lot of people give up during these times. It is hard to face some things - death, sickness, the ending of things, an uncertain future, aging. I truly believe this was a defining moment of acceptance of these things on our parts. We may not be so graceful in their coming, but when get through it, we are always graceful because we still can gaze into each other eyes and know that "I love you" means just that. Just beautiful.
So, that is how, in 48 hours - we decided to close the business and discovered a little something else along the way - that we chose our family, always our family that we made and forge. Us. Together.
I will have time most days from now on, if I can help it.
This past weekend was a whirlwind. I was still a little sick and found out on Friday that I had a date wrong with one of my customers. I was thinking her 2 quilts and 4 pillows were due on June 14th, but it was actually July 14th. Whew! I took the weekend off and just rested.
Sort of.
Since deciding to take the business to a different level, we met with 2 website designers. We discussed how it would look, where the ecommerce tools would come from, MailChimp for abandoned carts and some marketing, themes, blogs, etc, etc. All this fun stuff costs money, but you have to spend some when you start a legitimate business right?
After the meetings, I rested a bit, DH picked up around the house, we actually got in the hot tub because I thought I needed a soak - I was freezing to death. We talked about where the business was going, how we could use it to work together, what roles DH would play, what I could do. Really future forward things like we used to do when we were younger with young children and got away for the weekend.
Yes, when the kids were young, my sister would keep them, and we would rent a cabin with a hot tub in the foothills of Texas and dream about our home we would build, how our lives would look in 10 years, 20 years, etc. We were very young (still are 20 years later) and deeply in love (still are 20 years later) and our whole lives were ahead of us.
We had not talked like that in a very long time. The kids' schedules prevent us from getting away and the occasional dinner every now does not give us the chance to get into those really deep conversations.
Usually, we have to get away to reach that point, but for some reason, my meds, the hot tub, the slow weekend, it all added up and we talked.
We were positive and excited about this new adventure - DH was calculating the amount of time it would take to pay off the house so he could quit, it was fabulous!
Do any of you have nightime epiphanies?
The kind that keep you up and change your whole outlook? The ones where see the future so clearly and so wholly, that it somewhat frightens you and causes this type of anxiety that is all encompassing and confusing and affects the whole next day?
I saw the stress. I saw me having major health problems. I saw a distant husband. I saw the tiredness and the overbearing feeling of being tied down. I saw being alone while my husband traveled since my work kept me in one place. I saw a constant feeling of having to perform and not getting time off.
None of these are great for this mostly introverted 40 something who internalizes and doesn't allow anyone to take her picture.
So Sunday morning came slowly. The night was long. I spent most of it in front of the computer, then the other part listening to DH breath and rest so comfortably which in itself caused more anxiety that I could not sleep and the confusion of what to do settled directly in my chest.
I could not verbalize my feelings on Sunday which made a difficult and uncomfortable day with us walking on egg shells and avoiding eye contact. It is not a fun dance we play from time to time, but it is almost needed by me to make clear my thoughts and him to prepare for the blow. I mean after all, we have been talking about this for a year or more, recently putting money and time into it - his eyes sparkled at the thought of it. ( I will add here, there was also a very personal issue at play here - one I cannot talk about as it is just between my husband and me, but also caused great distressed on top of this issue.)
I worked a bit to avoid talking, but the cutting and ironing only left more time for thinking and that is not the best thing when emotions are are running wild and tears keep falling, causing more nasal discharge on top of the sickness. It was ugly, not pretty or elegant in any way. DH left me alone for which I will be eternally grateful.
Sunday night was no better - more futuristic visions of complications and another sleepless night - staring at the smoke detector light wishing it would go out and leave darkness so sleep could overcome my tired self. It didn't and I didn't.
Monday came. Cleaners were coming and a house had to get ready. Kids needed to get up and life needed to happen. Funny thing that life - it keeps moving even when you want it stop and wait - wait for your mind to catch up and get settled. It doesn't though - you have to force your mind to move forward. Mine went to closing the business.
So, I did.
DH freaked out! I had no idea he was THAT much into it. He took it as I was taking away our future and that meant I wanted out. WHAT?!?!?!?! I was tired, I feel the most immense amount of pressure to perform, to succeed, to "Make it Happen"...
I cried, he cried.
We drove around because I did not want the cleaners OR the kids to see us quite like this - this was a very private moment for us and the outside world was not invited. In a way, I think this was a long time coming. A culmination of the last couple of years and so much change, and a lack of intimacy and time for ourselves to rest and get deep. I hate when we go through these times, but in general, we don't fight, we don't bicker, we rarely disagree. There is understanding, support and acceptance in a very quiet and loving manner. However, we are 2 very distinct and different people and I think these inklings build up and explode sometimes in these emotional and very dramatic moments.
He raises his voice - not a yell, but one of frustration and I get so quiet - so quiet he cannot hear me and has to ask me to repeat it which is hard because it took all I had to say it to begin with. Funny, because when the kids were young and I told them to sit down, even adults that were around us sat down - I have a very loud and authoritative voice, but I was so soft then. So soft.
This broke me guys - this decision, the hurt. He thought I wanted to leave him, which was ludicrous in my mind, but this is what happens when so much death and change washes over you and the intimacy is lost. This is how you find it.
I needed to be with them - my family. There was so much separation with the business, the build, we got away from who we are as a family, a couple with dreams, and individuals who are begrudgingly aging.
I need to look after myself. Something I have never done and was never allowed to do (in my mind?), and something that I need to do. I need to rest - they kind of rest that is deep and healing, the kind that I don't wake up with a start every day thinking I am late or have forgotten something. Yes, I have done that for at least 2 years. I am living in an adrenaline vacuum. Fight or Flight. There is no reason for it!
My wanting to close the business - which, by the way - is a very slow process - like almost a year slow. I have to fulfill current orders and give people a little time to order for the quilts. I decided August is the time I will stop accepting any orders - seems appropriate - it is when the kids go back to school and basically it is a change of seasons. In more than one way.
Then starts the selling of inventory, then business supplies - vinyl, fabrics, snaps, cork, patterns, etc. Then, equipment and furniture.
Did DH accept this? He did. Not at first, it took convincing that this was not an attack on our relationship or our family, but a focus on our relationship and our family and on myself. I want to travel with him. I want to be healthier because I want to hike the Grand Canyon and Zion. I want to be able to walk and walk and walk and walk and walk.
We are still soft with each other - I still get teary - there were some strong hurts, but we are actually better now. There were some things said that had been held for a long time - like he is scared about my heart. I have a hole in my aortic valve. About how I could stroke out. These things are real and difficult and we have growing pains like most couples who stay together.
Now, I want you all to know - I do not feel that we were in any way, shape or form close to a break up. I think his mind was full of emotions and doubts and in the heat of the moment went there. It is not a normal thing for us, which is why this was so difficult and uncomfortable and painful and weird.
I think a lot of people give up during these times. It is hard to face some things - death, sickness, the ending of things, an uncertain future, aging. I truly believe this was a defining moment of acceptance of these things on our parts. We may not be so graceful in their coming, but when get through it, we are always graceful because we still can gaze into each other eyes and know that "I love you" means just that. Just beautiful.
So, that is how, in 48 hours - we decided to close the business and discovered a little something else along the way - that we chose our family, always our family that we made and forge. Us. Together.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
What do you do when you are sick?
Yes, I am freaking sick again. It might be because of my allergies - so much pollen in the air!
No voice is pretty much a given anytime I get sick, so this will make one full month so far this year with no voice. I am so thankful for texting, emailing and just the computer in general as a way of communication. I do write things down, but I can type so much more quickly!
Anyway, what did I do? Yesterday, nothing - I really felt like crap - I did not even get myself anything to eat yesterday.
Today, I feel a little better, I still get tired and cannot breath through my nose too much, but I was ok to get some computer work done.
Oh, I guess I have not told you all the big news!
I AM OPENING AN ON-LINE FABRIC STORE!!
It will be very limited quantities and varieties at first, we are cash flowing and slowly, slowly building up inventory. I currently am a distributor for Free Spirit Fabrics, Robert Kaufman Fabrics, Henry Glass, A.E. Nathan, Blank Fabrics, Art Gallery Fabrics and a couple of other small ones.
Since this is pretty much a division of my business - one side custom-made items and now this side fabric yardage - I split up where I will be selling both sides of the business. The custom and pre-made items will be available via the Facebook Page and by contacting me personally, whereas the fabric yardages and pre-cuts will only be available on my website. I will probably start another page and group on Facebook that deals with the fabric side, but I am not sure how I will handle Instagram.
So, I revamped the website - taking all the products off and getting it ready for the fabric. On Facebook, I opened up a Shop and added the tote bags.
I have a few more things to add, but I am also trying to build up inventory for fall.
Ok, to explain why we are going in the fabric direction. Well, my husband wants to retire - his job is going to start requiring extensive travel and he does not want to do that. He has no choice though - it is either take the job or quit.
So, we are trying to build up my business, so he can quit. The goal is have the business going enough that he can quit when the house is paid off - so 5-10 years. It may not work, but this is a goal of ours.
Eventually, I will slow down on the making of items. I will do more designing, making a pattern, video a how-to, and thus, have the items for sale that make up the pattern. Something like that.
I may do a show every fall to sell the samples or something.
Hopefully this will do what we want it to do - We work really well together and it has always been a dream of ours to work together.
Anyway, DH just got home, so I need to give him some attention! Hope you all had a great day.
No voice is pretty much a given anytime I get sick, so this will make one full month so far this year with no voice. I am so thankful for texting, emailing and just the computer in general as a way of communication. I do write things down, but I can type so much more quickly!
Anyway, what did I do? Yesterday, nothing - I really felt like crap - I did not even get myself anything to eat yesterday.
Today, I feel a little better, I still get tired and cannot breath through my nose too much, but I was ok to get some computer work done.
Oh, I guess I have not told you all the big news!
I AM OPENING AN ON-LINE FABRIC STORE!!
It will be very limited quantities and varieties at first, we are cash flowing and slowly, slowly building up inventory. I currently am a distributor for Free Spirit Fabrics, Robert Kaufman Fabrics, Henry Glass, A.E. Nathan, Blank Fabrics, Art Gallery Fabrics and a couple of other small ones.
Since this is pretty much a division of my business - one side custom-made items and now this side fabric yardage - I split up where I will be selling both sides of the business. The custom and pre-made items will be available via the Facebook Page and by contacting me personally, whereas the fabric yardages and pre-cuts will only be available on my website. I will probably start another page and group on Facebook that deals with the fabric side, but I am not sure how I will handle Instagram.
So, I revamped the website - taking all the products off and getting it ready for the fabric. On Facebook, I opened up a Shop and added the tote bags.
I have a few more things to add, but I am also trying to build up inventory for fall.
Ok, to explain why we are going in the fabric direction. Well, my husband wants to retire - his job is going to start requiring extensive travel and he does not want to do that. He has no choice though - it is either take the job or quit.
So, we are trying to build up my business, so he can quit. The goal is have the business going enough that he can quit when the house is paid off - so 5-10 years. It may not work, but this is a goal of ours.
Eventually, I will slow down on the making of items. I will do more designing, making a pattern, video a how-to, and thus, have the items for sale that make up the pattern. Something like that.
I may do a show every fall to sell the samples or something.
Hopefully this will do what we want it to do - We work really well together and it has always been a dream of ours to work together.
Anyway, DH just got home, so I need to give him some attention! Hope you all had a great day.
Monday, June 4, 2018
End of May Numbers
We are still just ticking on and keeping on. Nothing major to talk about or disclose. The little bit of my inheritance came in and we got a bonus which allowed us to pay off a credit card and our college son's car. We paid it off for yard work this summer - which is extensive - digging a 150ft dry creek bed - laying rocks, cutting back brush, tilling an acre, laying sod, cutting down trees, etc.
Debts (starting October 2017)
401(k) loan for land
October 2017 Start - $42,627
Current - $0
CC#1
October 2017 Start - $30,400.81
Current - $0
CC#2
October 2017 Start - $13,943.95
Current - $0
CC#3
October 2017 Start - $17,279.17
Current -$0
CC#4
October 2017 Start - $32,855.22
Current - $0
CC#5
October 2017 Start - $0
Current - $25,676
Truck
October 2017 Start - $21,753.52
Current -$18,423.62
Car
October 2017 Start - $7,013.68
Current -$6,105.24
Mortgage
October 2017 Start - $332,480.00
Current - $327,123.29
Total Non-Mortgage
October 2017 Start - $165, 874.09
Current - $50,204.86
Total Debt
October 2017 Start - $498,354.09
Current - $377,328.15
So, another bill bites the dust! I am glad, but I know we still have a long way to go. Now that all the inheritance is in, there will not be any more influxes of cash other than my husband's paycheck and any bonuses. I really want to be out of credit card debt this year however. It would feel amazing!
Well, I am off for now. Take care!
Debts (starting October 2017)
October 2017 Start - $42,627
Current - $0
October 2017 Start - $30,400.81
Current - $0
October 2017 Start - $13,943.95
Current - $0
October 2017 Start - $17,279.17
Current -$0
October 2017 Start - $32,855.22
Current - $0
CC#5
October 2017 Start - $0
Current - $25,676
Truck
October 2017 Start - $21,753.52
Current -$18,423.62
Car
October 2017 Start - $7,013.68
Current -$6,105.24
Mortgage
October 2017 Start - $332,480.00
Current - $327,123.29
Total Non-Mortgage
October 2017 Start - $165, 874.09
Current - $50,204.86
Total Debt
October 2017 Start - $498,354.09
Current - $377,328.15
So, another bill bites the dust! I am glad, but I know we still have a long way to go. Now that all the inheritance is in, there will not be any more influxes of cash other than my husband's paycheck and any bonuses. I really want to be out of credit card debt this year however. It would feel amazing!
Well, I am off for now. Take care!
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