Saturday, September 1, 2018

In times of death...

My mother died.

I have not spoken with her in about 4 years, though I knew about her health issues, when she made someone mad, when my brother stole from her, when she was good, when she was not, when she made a nurse upset and when she said something nice.  My sister still was involved and it was hard for her when I opted out, so I was her only support with a mother such as ours.

I honestly, did not think I would take it so hard.  This woman who beat me until I bled.  Gave me lifelong scars and disfunctional joints.  The woman who told me I was worthless and would never find someone to love me.  The woman who put extra chocolate in my hot chocolate when I could not taste it because I was also eating oreos.  The woman who would play Scrabble with me until 1:00 am and make me amazing costumes for Halloween.

I honestly thought I would feel relief.  Relief from her hot and cold, nice and screaming, never knowing what mood or if she would attack me or hug me.   From her pain, from the awful depression she felt.  From the man that would beat her until he came when she was only 12-13 (sick fucker!!).

But I don't.  I am so sad I cannot breath.  My husband hates her, he only saw the bad.  I remember times of fierce love and maybe a desperate longing for a real mother that could pay the electric bill and keep food in the house.


I go through moments of feeling ok with it and times that I just cry and cry.  If she were still alive, would I try to reconnect?  Not at all.  I just could not take the pain of her any more and I am truly at peace with that.

But a person died.  A person that carried me around on a pillow because I was so sick as a baby.  This person that gave me life.  So, although I decided that I could not circle in the same realm as her, she was still my mother.  Good or bad, she was my mother.  And she is now gone.  I honestly never knew how bad this would hurt - never.

20 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for it all....

    Melissa

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  2. I am so sorry that you are hurting. Hugs. Time heals all wounds and I hope that with time it will hurt less and less.

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    1. Thank - It will. Now I truly can focus on letting it all go.

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  3. Oh, I am still crying after reading of your pain and hers. How old was she. Your husband needs to back off the hate for just a bit. I think you are crying for all the things that could have been and sorrow for your pain. I did for a horrid father. Maybe you are crying for the "what if" of your life. Maybe not. No doubt, this horrible time will pass. But, now I can feel the horror of it all. I am so sorry!

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    1. She was 66. Yes, my husband admitted that he was kind of holding it all against her. His parents are still alive and I don't think anyone can prepare for the hurt of losing a parent and I am sure losing a child is even worse. Thank you - yes, this time will pass. Thankfully.

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  4. I am so sorry to hear this. I don't think you can ever know how a death will affect you based on your experiences with the person when they were alive. Please be good to yourself while you grieve. Sending you big virtual hugs and lots of love xxx

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    1. I cannot find my glasses, so I thought the first two of the three xxx was "se." I was shocked to see the advice.

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  5. Oh Jennifer, I am so sorry. Death is seldom easy, and in a case like this, it is all the more difficult. Allow yourself to grieve and try focusing on the good times. Your mom is at peace now and you need to allow yourself that same peace. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you. Yes, it is all over now and all us kids can move on. We were stuck in limbo a very long time.

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  6. Jennifer, I hope that the love and support from your family and friends gets you through this time.

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    1. Thank you. I tend not to let anyone help. So, really it is my husband and me grieving the way I do. It is fine though - I am kind of a loner anyway!

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  7. I am so sorry for your grief. Such a change can resurrect feelings and memories that you have been able to stuff below the surface. Perhaps now though when they rise you can feel them, mull them and then open up the window and let them go. In my case when I hear about how others miss their dad I used to feel guilty because I don't. I did grieve at his death, how the memories flooded back, the what if's,if only' but after awhile that changed. I was able to let it go. I have a peace I hope you find. Note he died in his 50's over 20 years ago. He drank himself to death. I have been able to stand back and see the bigger picture, he was abused as a child ...., it is what it is ....., I am who I am because of it the good the bad and the ugly but I am very strong and independent. I have 4 kids and 12 grandkids who are my world! I did not repeat the cycle. (I have just lost two sisters and a niece to alcoholism the past couple of years). I have a different kind of empathy because of this. This is long winded but I hope you find peace and this may be the beginning of that.

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    1. Yes, it did bring up things that I have not thought of in a while. Also, my fierce protection of her which I have not felt in many, many moons! My mother was a narcissist - which is just as bad as an alcoholic.

      Yes, I am finding that a peace is settling in like I have never known before. No hiding, no stressing. Thank you!

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  8. This is a painful post.
    I don't think anyone can tell you what to feel or how to process your emotions.
    Peace to you,
    Monica

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  9. Complicated loss is much different to process than uncomplicated. My mother's death uncomplicated. My father's complicated. Be kind to yourself. Prayers for peace for you.

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    1. Yeah, I have noticed. I have had 3 uncomplicated losses (I was very close to my grandparents), but this one is different. Extreme Sadness, extreme anger - all the emotions I went through when she was alive. Thank you - I think you know exactly. Thank you.

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  10. I'm sorry for your hurting. I can't imagine the emotions you must be going through. Take care of yourself.

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    1. Thank you! It is getting better. Slowly, but surely.

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Namaste