Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Putting myself out there....again

Sometimes, I think I am a glutton for punishment, maybe sometimes I deserve it, mostly though I don't.  I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me.

To preface this post, I am going to give you a very brief background about my childhood and why it affects me today and why I seem to disappear, then reappear, and yes, even make bad decisions.

The first time I remember my mother beating me was when I was 3.  I said something wrong is all I remember.  She beat me with a wooden spoon until it broke, then she beat me some more.  I was in a bathroom.  That is all I remember about that time.

It was the start (in my mind) of a long 10-12 years of being physically abused often, but mental abused daily.  I was lucky in that belts, spatulas, spoons, etc were her only choices and I did not endure some of the horrors people make movies and write books about.  I just had welps and scabs - usually in places no one could see.  Once I was old enough to go to PE at school, she kept it on my back so a shirt could always cover it.

Usually I was beaten when she was in a bad mood, not really when I did something wrong, so it kind of messed me up a bit.  That and the constant name calling, degrading, gas lighting.  My mother, was and is a very sick person.

Fortunately for me, I had a wonderful grandmother that I escaped to and through her I learned how a parental figure should act and what love really was, so I don't have problems with forming long term relationships (been married 17+ years).  However, I have difficulty forming those superficial friendships, so I have very few friends - like 2, maybe.

Besides all that, we were poor, like living with a dirt floor poor.  Not my whole childhood, but enough that I remember it.

I am SO NOT looking for sympathy, just asking, please, that you refrain from attacking me.  My instinct is to flee big time.  I am not a fighter.  So, even though I am going to talk about our finances again, I don't want anyone telling me my kids will hate me, how stupid we are, etc.  Our actions may be stupid, but we are not.  We may make decisions you would not, but name calling is not called for.  I don't do it, as I know first hand how it feels.

Yes, I may be too sensitive, but I cannot help it.  Yes, I have gone to therapists, counseling both individual and in a group.  I did not carry on this abuse cycle - I do not abuse my kids in any way.  I am prone to depression and struggle with self-image, but my daughter does not, nor do my boys.  A wonderful gift I was able to give them!

So, in a nutshell - that is why I am over sensitive, make bad decisions sometimes, back off, come back, etc, etc.  Also, it is why I am asking you to be sensitive in your responses.

Now, on to the juicy part.

We are back in debt.


Wow - that took a lot of courage for me.  I have been sitting on this for several months.

Over the summer, we made 4 big purchases that are the ONLY reasons for our debt and yes, we are back on pay off mode.

1) A truck to pull our travel trailer - $29,999
2) A travel trailer to pull behind the truck - $22,000
3) A Babylock 1-needle Embroidery Machine - $6,000
4) A Babylock 10-needle Embroidery Machine - $8,500

I am guessing a little at what we bought them each for - I am not looking it up right now, but I do know our currently balances. 

Ok, current balances -

Truck loan - $27,790
Travel Trailer - $19,168
Machines - $7,705
Total - $54,663

My business is paying the machine off slowly, but personally we will pay them much faster.  They have taken my business to the next level and I am shipping to all over the country now through my website.  Mainly, embroidery items.  The quilts are still 100% local.

At this point, we have taken 6 trips in the travel trailer - one to New Mexico, which was LOVELY!

That is all for now.  I will post later about what we are doing (we made tough decisions), where the rest of the money is going, etc, etc.

That actually feels better - it was like I was holding on to a dark secret or something!


  1. Good Lord, I don't think you are being "overly-sensitive" for disliking people being rude to you on your OWN BLOODY BLOG. That's not overly sensitive at all - those people are tw@ts - excuse my French! This is your blog, and your story and people can like it (like I do) or hate (but then why read it) and no-one has the right to tell you what they think you are doing wrong. We each have our own set of circumstances and backgrounds that makes us into who we are today and influence our choices. If people are rude why don't you just hit "delete". I think you do an amazing job, make beautiful quilts and work very hard so screw them. I'm also so sorry to hear about your rotten childhood - life isn't always a level playing field but you are to be praised for not repeating your mother's abuse. Oh and I would love to see your web site - I am in awe of your quilts, particularly since (I believe) you are self-taught. Hey, do you fancy shipping to France! Good luck to you and keep your chin up - from one very-impressed novice quilter in France. Anna

    1. Thank you - the website is a underwhelming at most - work in progress. www.threadedlines.com Yes, I am completely self taught - not a single class, just lots of trial and error. My quilting is not best and it will never be in a show, but people love them and I tend to work with memory type items. I don't mind shipping to France at all!

  2. Forgot to say, and good for you on the purchases. I'm sure the quilting machines will make your life/business easier and you will get so much pleasure out of the trailer. Anna

  3. How will this affect your retirement savings?

    1. It will not affect it at all since we are still contributing the same that we were before.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story. It breaks my heart to hear it. But I hate that you are letting it cloud your judgement. The embroidery machines, I can understand. Those could be considered a business expense. But, I think I would have purchased one, and when it was paid off completely, purchased the other. I'm not sure what to say about the truck and RV! I know your family is getting enjoyment out of it, but that is an expensive toy. I personally would not be able to enjoy taking trips in the RV knowing how much debt we owed. That's my two cents. Hope it wasn't offensive. It wasn't meant to be.

    1. I know the RVs are not for everyone. Getting away from our home is the only way I relax, so it is good for us. My home has a very hectic business and homeschool, so it is a work place, which is good and bad - I never relax, not even while sleeping. I do on the RV. I don't feel I am letting my past completely cloud judgement - our choices are not what everyone would choose and I know many think it is wrong. We changed many things about how we handle money. We are 8 years away from a paid off house - which 3 years ago, we were 29 years. There are many things we have done to offset this. Spending patterns, believe it or not, have changed.

  5. I agree that everyone's choices are different. We tend to buy everything with cash, so that is how I look at things. And I understand about the hectic homeschooling life. I homeschool too. Maybe that's why I don't sleep well! That's wonderful that you are so close to paying off your house. We did that a few years ago, and it is a huge relief.

  6. Like you say, this is YOUR life. We all make the best of our situations and I truly believe everyone is trying their best to do their best in life.

    Until I am responsible for your debt it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks. Period.

    But I am curious....since you have "issues" as you say why even put the debt stuff out on the blog? If you are thin skinned and talking about finances affects you so negatively why do it? Do what makes you feel you are the best person you can be. Don't do things that set you up for failure(at least in other people's eyes).

    8 years to a paid off house? That's awesome and a position lots of people would like to be in. B
    And business purchases are all a part of growing a company.

    Let's lift each other up and celebrate our achievements.

    1. Ditto from me too. Personal finance is just that. Personal. You know how to pay off debt, so this, too, will pass. You have assets, and if push comes to shove you can sell them. Enjoy your trailer, and your machines. You are incredibly talented!!