I can feel it coming on. I try to laugh around others, but I feel myself not smiling at all. Maybe it is the dreary weather, the lack of coolness this winter, constant rain, hot flashes, so much demand on my time that even 48 hours in a day would not cover it.
When I was depressed before, it was from a lack of direction in my life - feeling worthless and like I was going nowhere.
This time, I have an over-thriving business AND homeschooling. Finding friends has always been very difficult for me. I am pretty anti-social, but with this busy of a schedule, it is even worse.
My son living here is causing lots of anxiety for me - will he ever get it together? Will he ever move out? (He says he is going to, but we have been down that road before and he didn't leave). Will I ever be able to balance my life? Will I ever have a girlfriend? I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband and my kids are great, our home is fine - not perfect and there are aspects I don't like at all, but others are good.
I worry about money all the time, then do something insane to feel better, but then regret it.
This too shall pass. I always get down in the winter. No, I am not going to buy something to make myself feel better - I don't have time.
Even blogging, I do it while my embroidery machine is working, in between fixing the needle breaks, thread breaks, etc - oh, and yes, stopping to help the kids, etc.
I am too pulled. So what happens when I try to cut.
People get angry at me. Literally, yelling at me. I am too overwhelmed to cry, but I am betting once I am able to stop, I will bawl.
I do hate where we live - cannot stand it. I feel like people are right on top of me and I cannot breathe. There is no beautiful nature around us. The tropical weather is horrendous. I am really trying to find something redeeming about it, but it is hard - very, very hard. To know that we are absolutely stuck here just makes it worse!
Give it a month, lots of things should change by then. One month, I am holding out.